Day 27 and Thoughts about Control

DAY 27. Can't believe I've made it through the cleansing phase without cheating or going crazy! I don't remember the last time I went a month without alcohol, dairy or flour! I don't think there ever was a time without those things. Next week I start adding things back in gradually, first week I add back in flour, the week after will be dairy. This way I can figure out if I have any food allergies or intolerances. Next week I can also add back in some alcohol, in the form of no more than 1-2 glasses of red wine per week. After 4 weeks, I'm not missing any of those things anymore, which is good because while it will be nice to add a little variety and be able to enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner on occasion, the meal plan will still be focused on lean protein and lots of veggies. I don't think I've eaten this many veggies in my life. I seriously have to re-stock lettuce and other greens in the middle of the week now because I eat all the stuff I bought on the weekend.

Last night's dinner was an awesome slow-cooker veggie stew. I just added chopped onion, garlic, cabbage, tomato, carrots, bok choy, mushrooms and tofu, then topped with low sodium vegetable broth and some spices (chili powder, cayenne, oregano, thyme, basil, bay leaf). I let it simmer for a couple hours and it was delish. I did add more cayenne and chili powder to it upon tasting, to make up for the lack of salt. I made enough for another meal or two, so I'm looking forward to it as a healthy lunch before Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night.

Something that I've noticed about being on this plan is that I feel in control. A lot of the time in the past, I felt like I wasn't in control of my life, I felt chaotic or lost. Work stressed me out more than it should and I felt like that was out of my control too. Having this sense of control over my body again, is such an empowerment. I feel like I have taken back the reins on my life again. I may not control all the circumstances that happen to me, but I have complete control over my responses to those circumstances. Yeah, a workout session gets canceled due to a holiday or a sick day. Doesn't matter. I get myself to the gym and do my workout. Yeah, someone brought in some cupcakes. That doesn't bother me. I'm not going to eat them and I can appreciate that it was a nice gesture. Yeah, I take calls all day from people bitching about stupid things, that's okay. That's my job sometimes. I can't control how they act or speak, but I can stop letting it bother me. Once I start taking control over my own mind and body, life stops seeming like a hopeless hap-hazard bunch of random events. I am not a victim of circumstances, I am a strong, smart and willful woman (my boyfriend would probably say stubborn, lol) who is responsible for herself and has people depending on her. I can't just leave it all up to chance anymore.

Day 26 and Thoughts about Relationships

DAY 26 and another great workout this morning. I hadn't worked with Eric before but it was great. Focus was on cardio and some arms, chest and back work today. A lot of the exercises were deceptively challenging. The trainers always make it look so easy! Me on the other hand, I was shaking by the end of some of them. I know, I know, I'll get there some day, but man some of the simplest things can kick my ass right now. Like stairs. Damn those stairs, lol.

I find that each trainer at TF is a little different which makes the routine of working out more interesting. In the past, I used to go to the rec centre gym and use the elliptical for 30 minutes, maybe do some weights and stuff too. After a month or so, I would get bored and fall off the wagon. By mixing things up, working with different trainers, and doing group sessions, it keeps me interested and engaged. This journey is just beginning and will be a lifelong commitment, so I better keep interested. What is that saying? 'Adapt or die'? Well, that sort of applies here. Either I change my ways or I'll be heading down a bad path. This is not just one year of meal planning and a few months of training. This year is my chance to educate myself and form healthy habits, learn about health and fitness, knowledge and techniques that I can use for the rest of my life. The stuff I'm learning is all common sense, and it's all stuff I pretty much knew already, having read many diet books and taken a few health classes in high school and university. The real learning here is learning how to apply it. It's all very well to say 'Okay Katharine, you're going to start eating better'. That's pretty general, and pretty useless. How could I possibly apply that sort of broad idea to my everyday life? By breaking down to a pre-programmed meal plan, my diet becomes second nature. The things that I used to subsist on will be occasional treats in the future, not staples of my everyday meals. Cheese will be in my future, but I'm sorry to report, will not be a staple. I'm actually a bit wary of reintroducing it at all for awhile. I want to ensure that it's not a trigger.

Food for me was very much an emotional comfort. Everyone has their stories... divorced parents, turbulent relationships, self-esteem issues.. I'm no different. Food became my solace. When you think about it though, it's kind of counter-productive to use food as that defense, because the more I ate, the more I became self-conscious and ill-prepared to deal with my emotional demons. Exercise and healthy living definitely create a more clear and clean body and mind, much better equipped to deal with life and the issues that may arise.

Another thing I was thinking about, and I'm sure I'm not the only overweight woman who has felt this way at some point, my weight definitely affects my relationship. I'm not just talking about the naughty stuff here ;) I mean just my day-to-day. Being overweight made me so self-conscious, I feel like I'm always being judged. Being with a man that is much more slender and athletic than I am made me feel conspicuous all the time. I felt like people walking down the street are thinking 'Look at her, what's a guy like that doing with her?' He always says affectionate things and tells me that I'm beautiful, but sometimes I didn't really believe it. He would come shopping with me and I would never want to come out of the change room to show him anything, and when I did and he told me it looked great, I was still skeptical. On really bad days, I would start to feel like I didn't deserve anyone's love and that I couldn't expect anyone to want to be with me if I can't even take care of myself. I know it may sound stupid to some, but I still can't shake that feeling sometimes. Not only that, I know that it just makes me project onto my boyfriend and our relationship, and not in good ways. There have been some pointless arguments because I'm not looking at what is right in front of me and, instead, am projecting my own fears onto him. My weight also took away a lot of our time together, I was tired and cranky a lot of the time, and spent 9-10 hours a day sleeping. I can already feel a difference in these respects. I have more energy and only need 8 hours of sleep now. I don't come home from work and just collapse. I want to get out and do stuff together. I want to tell him about cool stuff I'm learning and doing, I want to show him documentaries about health and weight loss, I want him to workout with me. I feel more confident as I slowly see changes in my body and I'm thinking more clearly about the things I want and about our life together. I know I'm not going to change magically overnight, but I'm so glad I started this journey and I'm so appreciative of all the help of my family, friends and my wonderful boyfriend.

Day 25 and Thoughts about Portions

DAY 25. No cheese for 3 ½ weeks now. I’m pretty impressed with myself. Man, when I woke up today I felt that workout from yesterday. My arms and legs were so sore, along with some of my core muscles. It’s a good kind of sore though, makes me proud. I’m not really complaining when I whine about sore muscles, I feel like it’s more like bragging, like ‘Ha, my muscles worked super hard yesterday, what did yours do??’

Last night my boyfriend cooked dinner for both of us. It’s pretty awesome, he knows to check the meal plan chart on the fridge to see what day it is and what I have for that meal. He made veggie stir fry with some grilled tofu (and some rice and chicken for him). It was delicious, just not enough… I finished in like 3 minutes and then started eyeing his plate, lol. I find that I need quite a good plateful of veggies to keep me full. They don’t have a lot of calories, so provided that they’re not fried or coated in dressings, that’s just fine. I usually use a large dinner plate and fill 3/4 of it with mixed veggies and lettuce salad, the other 1/4 is protein. On the higher carb days, I add 1/2 cup of quinoa or brown rice as well. I've been thinking about the portions I used to eat. My dinner plate used to be filled with about 1/2 starchy carbs, 1/4 veggies, and 1/4 protein. And if I'm really being honest, sometimes that 1/4 of veggies was not present, and was replaced with cheese or sauce instead. When I was down in the states, at one of the buffets, I was aghast at the plates that people were dishing for themselves. I can't be totally self-righteous though, because I was like that only a short time ago. I like the visuals, they tend to hammer it home...

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so excited that Biggest Loser is starting next week. I’ve devised a bingo to get active during each episode:

 

·         10 crunches every time Gillian yells at someone
·         10 push-ups every time a contestant falls off an exercise machine
·         10 alternating lunges every time someone cheats at a temptation challenge
·         10 squats every time a contestant cries
·         20 jumping jacks every time they do a shameless product promotion

I’ll come up with more later, this is a good start. If anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to comment!

Day 24 and Thoughts on the Colon (and I'm not talking about grammar)

DAY 24 and feeling the burn! Last night was a TF+ group workout and check-in, and I had another personal training session this morning to make up for last week. Oh man, Sarah took no mercy this morning!  Though I was proud that I was able to do 2 sets of planks for 60 seconds without shaking by the end. I can already feel the muscles in my core aching. It's nice though, it's like their waking up and saying hello... reminding me that they're under all that padding and would like to make a more permanent appearance :)

At the official Monday check-in, the good news was that I was at the same weight at my Saturday check-in before I left. There was some bad news too though, one thing I noticed this week was that my body went back into detox being away from all those hidden salts and preservatives that I unwittingly consumed while on vacation. I had a major headache on Sunday, despite a lack of stress and an abundance of water all day. I also noticed that a little eczema on my wrist returned. It had plagued me for months before I started the cleanse and totally went away about a week into it. It's not too bad though and will definitely clear up in a few days again now that I'm eating totally clean again.

At the Monday TF+ check-in and workout, we meet for about 30 min to do our weigh-in and discuss any issues we had that week. Also, Leanne introduces new topics and ideas for discussion with us too. It's really great. It was pretty funny actually, last's night topic was colonics. No, seriously, I'm not shitting you... (pun intended). The conversation was interesting though. I've done a little online research, but I'm still on the fence of whether to go through with it right now.

It was a good workout, combination of great trainers and great comrades :) I really love our group at TF+, it's so nice to have others who understand what I'm going through. If I can't yet do a certain exercise due to my weight or range of motion, the trainers modify it but still keep it challenging. I never feel judged there, even when the trainer has us doing ridiculously weird looking exercises or has us galloping around the block. When I feel like I'm ready to give up, I feel their support and it gets me through.



Our little TF+ group :)

A awesome little bonus last night... as the 1st place winner I got a case of Muscle Milk light through their sponsorship! Next week we start adding back in dairy slowly so it'll make a great after-workout snack or quick fix to keep at work in case I forget to bring something. And it's chocolate... :)

Leanne and me with my swag! Thanks Muscle Milk!

Day 22 and Thoughts on scare tactics

DAY 22. This morning I got right back into my usual routine and packed my lunch before work. Breakfast was an egg white omelet with veggies, salsa and some baked julienned yams. The yams were really good, they didn't need any oil, just some grated garlic and a sprinkle of dried rosemary. Popped in the oven at 350 til they were crispy. They were a perfect side to the omelet. Yum!

 

Last night my boyfriend and I watched 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead', the documentary about the Australian guy who cured his long time illness and lost about 90 lbs through doing a juice cleanse. The movie was really amazing. I don't think I'll be doing a full juice cleanse anytime soon, but the green smoothies I make daily are along the same lines, and the meal plan that I'm on lends itself to a lot of the same ideas. I think some of the scare tactics are pretty effective, it definitely made me not want to cheat ever. And my boyfriend now wants to try a juice cleanse and start to follow my meal plan more closely with me. It's weird in a way, to see the Americans they interview in the documentary, some in total denial about how they live, and realize that I was not far off of that only a short while ago.

For a long time I had fooled myself into not seeing what I was doing to myself. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see an overweight woman, even as my dress size crept towards 3X. It was the TF+ assessment that really put the fear into me. I had no idea I got so close to 300 lbs. At the last session, Leanne told me that one of the reasons that she chose me as the 1st place winner for the program was not only the application and interview, but also my reaction to the assessment. Wes, the trainer, had just done my weight and body assessment with me and I was in shock as to the number on the scale. She said that my face looked pale and ashen and that I looked like I might throw up as I told her the results of the assessment. I remember that moment too, I felt the blood drain from my face and I felt sick and ashamed. Leanne said that in that moment, she knew I was ready to do what it would take. And I will. I absolutely will.

Anyhow, I digress... so as my boyfriend and I watched the movie, I was touched to hear him say to me (not verbatim, but pretty close): 'I don't really see you as one of those overweight people. You're on the right path, so you're not an overweight person anymore, you're a healthy skinny person in transition. It's like your in your cocoon right now, which is always a lot bigger than the actual butterfly, and you'll emerge as a butterfly at the end of the process.' It was such a sweet metaphor, he always has such a way with words.

 

Imagination is a beautiful thing. And essential for weight loss. Creative uses of vegetables and spices are crucial. And, most importantly, imagination is what gets me through those bowls of oatmeal... :)

Day 21 and Thoughts on Tofu

DAY 21 and back to the grind. I got up early and did my weigh-in for the week. Thankfully I had maintained my weight loss over my vacation. It feels good to be back and on the meal plan again. It was almost a relief in a way. With the meal plan, I don't have to count calories or worry about what to order or agonize about planning my next meal. It's pretty simple, I eat what's on the plan, and while I can play around with lots of veggies and spices, it's fairly simple. No cheese or bacon showing up on salads unannounced.

I had a great workout today at the gym. I always feel so great after working out, I see what people mean when they talk about how exercise is addictive. That feeling is great. It's like elation and exhaustion mixed, with a real sense of accomplishment. I know that it will only get better too, as my body grows stronger. I can't keep up a very quick pace on the treadmill, but I do a fast walk on an incline to get my heart rate up. It'll be cool when can continuously jog or run. 

After the workout I went and stocked up on groceries. I pretty much stick to the peripheries of the store: veggies and fruits, egg whites, fish and tofu, and some bulk grains like quinoa and chia. I'm a huge fan of this delicious marinated slow-roasted tofu from the salad bar at Whole Foods so I thought I would try to make some at home. I generally like tofu, having been vegetarian for the past several years. To me it almost tastes like chicken, but that could just be because I forget what real chicken tastes like. 

My recipe for slow-roasted tofu:

- extra firm tofu, drained and chopped into cubes

- balsamic vinegar

- dijon mustard

- garlic, diced

- black pepper, thyme and oregano

Basically I just marinated the tofu cubes in the other ingredients. I slow-roasted the cubes on a non-stick tray for 1 hour at 350 degrees. Our oven runs a bit hot, so next time I'm going to try a little lower heat for a little less time. They should have a nice even light brown exterior and a chewy texture inside. With a nice salad and balsamic vinaigrette, they were perfect. I think I may try a more Asian-fusion style next time with some Chinese five-spice and some Bragg's seasoning (tastes so much like soya sauce, it's uncanny), and maybe a splash of sesame oil.

I also roasted some almonds. Normally I keep them in the freezer and just eat them raw, but I thought I try roasting some. Super easy, just roast on a single layer on a non-stick baking sheet at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. They smelled sooo good, oh my goodness. This afternoon I made myself a pot of Lady Grey tea and cut up an apple and counted out my 10 almonds. I settled on the couch with my boyfriend to watch the MasterChef episode that we missed this week. Perfection. My boyfriend smelled my little snack and asked if he could try a roasted almond. I must have looked so hurt as I responded with 'You want one of my ten almonds?' that he laughed and got a couple from the tray in the kitchen instead. Very wise. It really was a lovely afternoon.

Day 20 and Thoughts on being home again

DAY 20 and home again. Obviously with the cruise being cancelled, my vacation was not as I planned. However, my boyfriend and I headed to Bellingham, where we spent 3 nights in a 2-star hotel and just relaxed, read books, shopped, saw some movies and enjoyed each others' company.

The first morning, I had some continental breakfast, skipping over the 400 calorie muffins in favour of some plain oatmeal, a banana and some black coffee. I checked out the hotel gym (one of the reasons I picked that shitty hotel over the 10 others on the street), but it was terrible. Google informed me that there was a local YMCA so I headed over to get my workout in. The YMCA gym was actually really great, tons of cardio machines and weights. Using my heart rate monitor as a gauge, I really tried to push myself like the TF trainers usually do. It was a great tool to have. In fact, the next morning I was actually a bit sore.

The one thing that was super hard was trying to find places that I could eat at. My boyfriend was following the 'anything goes' vacation diet plan, so he didn't care where we went, but I had to check out menus ahead to see if it was plausible, a much better plan than going to the restaurant only to leave without ordering. Not only that, once I got to each place, I agonized over what to order and how to modify it so that it wasn't coated in batter, deep fried and piled with cheese. Seriously. It was like the land of fried stuff with cheese. Half the time I had to send things back because they unexpectedly had bacon or cheese. Also, I found that even when I asked for plain grilled salmon or plain steamed veggies, they were super salty or greasy. Gross. My body was not happy with a couple of those meals, even despite my best efforts, and I was really trying hard. It was also the first vacation that I didn't have a single drink, which suited my boyfriend just fine cause he had a built-in designated driver.

Despite the setbacks, I check my weight upon arrival back at my apartment, and I had maintained the current weight loss and not gained. I loved the vacation time, but I also can't wait to get back to my usual meal plan and routine. It was interesting to see how quickly my body responded to me in telling me it was not happy with the deviation from the strict plan, even with all the willpower I had exercised.

Well, back to it tonight! And workout tomorrow at TF. Good to be back.

Two of my favourite quotes from the trip:

[At a gas station]. Me: 'Where's a nice place to get dinner around here?' Gas station lady: 'Well, I guess about the nicest place around here would be the Pizza Hut."

[At Applebee's] Me: 'Could I return this? I just wanted a plain green salad' Waitress: 'I'm so sorry, the kitchen couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want bacon.'