Day 76 and Thoughts on peer pressure

DAY 76. Made myself go to boot camp last night and did my 30 min of extra cardio as well. It's very gratifying to look at my heart rate monitor after a good workout and see that I burned almost 600 calories. I'm glad I invested in it, it's been a great tool. The workout was tough, Lauren and I were joking back and forth and pushing each other to challenge ourselves. I'm glad we were, because as a result, I found I was able to lift much more than I had in previous workouts. It made the workout more fun too, the banter back and forth. Peer pressure it a wonderful thing when it's used for good. I think people should be encouraging and pushing each other to challenge ourselves and lead healthy, full lives. It's funny how when you think you can't do something, but you're able to unblock whatever it is in your mind that's holding you back, you find you are actually capable of an extraordinary amount of strength.

Post-workout dinner last night was soooo good. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and got some fresh asparagus, lemon, dill, and tilapia. I made a huge green salad with raw peppers, my apple cider/ flax oil vinaigrette, oven baked garlic rosemary asparagus, and baked garlic lemon dill tilapia. Tilapia is a more delicate fish, so I'll have to play around with the cooking time more, I overdid it a bit this time, but either way, I sat myself down with my dinner and a wine glass of sparkling water with lemon to feel a little fancier and voila! Bon appetit!

Managed to get a photo this time before inhaling it all. Mmmm...

Day 75 and Thoughts on following through

DAY 75. Last night after work I had my Girl Guide meeting, we watched a movie and I painted what felt like an endless amount of nails (our recovery for weekend sleepover meeting). By the time the meeting ended at 8 pm, I was wiped and just wanted to go home. However, I told myself I was going to go to the gym and so I did. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and read my book. The time passed by fairly quickly. I felt really good that I followed through with getting myself there. When I got home, my boyfriend asked why I was late and I replied 'I said I was going to the gym so that's what I did.' He was taken aback and thought I was angry with him. I guess it came out a little bitchy. I laughed and responded that I was saying it more emphatically for my own benefit. Accountability!

This actually seems to be a problem these days, we find it so easy to back out of commitments and meetings, show up late to parties and functions. I know I can be flakey sometimes, when it's been a long day I don't always feel like going out and being social. I talk so much at work (and everywhere else for that matter) that when I get home I just want to sit and be quiet for a bit. I definitely don't want to be standing up my friends and family though. But one place I absolutely cannot be flakey anymore is with my commitments to myself and my health. If I say I'm going to the gym, I'm going. It's so easy to break promises to myself because no one else is going to be affected in that moment, but in the long term, it's going to hurt me and others in my life. One missed gym trip turns into 2, which turns into 10. I'm not going let myself flake out and fall off the wagon. There is nothing more frustrating than having to start at the beginning again and repeat all the hard work I've already done before.

On the road with appointments today, so I have my snacks and my egg salad lettuce wraps with me. Boot camp tonight and an extra 30 minutes of cardio afterwards. Anther good day, looks like that recession from the last couple weeks is over.

Day 74 and Thoughts on finding the humour in things

DAY 74. Woke up feeling good again today. Thank you to Sarah for the sore arms, back and abs today. Good sore though. Been a madly busy day at work, but I think my self-talk has been working, not nearly as stressed or upset as last week. Currently trying a new thing where I listen to complaints or deal with frustrations with a sort of curious amusement. It's a good thing I mostly deal with people over the phone, cause I think the little smirk on my face would probably just piss them off more. Hehe. Maybe that's the key to dealing with stress, look at everything as having some humour to it. Definitely makes it easier to swallow, I think.

Humour is a wonderful thing. I like to think of myself as having a decent sense of humour, although when put on the spot I can never 'be funny'. I find that I'm at my funniest when I'm hanging out with my dad, but that might be parental bias and him just continually telling me I'm funny cause I'm his daughter. Or maybe I can only be funny in a dad sort of way. Oh no. Anyhow.... digression. Humour is key, how else can someone who was almost 300 lbs at her heaviest jump around on a bosa ball, or do 'dead bug' sit-ups, or somewhat pathetically do push-ups?? I've definitely been willing to laugh at myself and look like a fool, because at the end of the day, yeah I might look silly sometimes, but I'm getting it done. I'm working hard and sweating it out and having fun doing it. I've lost over 30 lbs already and I can feel myself getting smaller and stronger.

This morning I had gotten up early enough to pack my meals for the day. Because it's a high carb day, I made an egg white and avocado salad sandwich on dark rye bread. It was surprising not to need the mayonnaise that I would normally have on an egg salad and was sooo good! I have to share this recipe (thank you to Leanne for sharing with me).

Avocado Egg White Salad (2 servings)
- 6 hardboiled egg whites
- 1/2 avocado, chopped
- 1/4 cup onion, chopped
- 1/4 cup celery, chopped
- 1/2 tsp. paprika
- 1/2 tbsp. Dijon mustard
- pinch of salt and pepper

Tomorrow I'll have the other half in lettuce wraps, for my low carb day :)

Well, back to the grind. Insane day of appointments tomorrow, will have to get up early and pack all my meals so I'm not tempted to stop for take-out!

Day 73 and Thoughts on resting and recharging

DAY 73. Rested and recharged. Lovely bubble bath after the TF+ workout last night and some reading before bed. I'm going to make sure that this week makes up for last week. Lots of challenging workouts, raw recipes, water, good sleep and bubble baths. It's funny how much power there is in suggestion. Just telling yourself how something is going to be, that's how it will become. This morning I got up and ready for my TF workout with Sarah and I told myself it was going to be an awesome day. I repeated it while I had my almond milk and protein powder shake for breakfast and repeated it again as I drove to Team Fitness.

I had a great workout. There was a bit of pain around my left elbow last night when I tried to do push-ups, so Sarah sort of worked around it and it was fine. Seems to be just a bit of a strained muscle. When she gave me a choice of cardio machines, I picked the treadmill and she laughed and said she'd make me sorry I picked it. True. I was. Thanks Sarah... But sorry in a good way, a panting and sweating and pushing myself way. It feels good to sweat it out first thing in the morning, prepares me mentally for the day ahead. I feel like no one can mess with me today. And even if they try, my mind is clear and ready. I shall whip them into a verbal frenzy! M wah ha ha!

I know I've probably said it before, but it's amazing to see these changes in myself. Sure I've had a bad last week or so, but I certainly hadn't reverted to my old ways by any stretch. The old Katharine would have taken a week like last week and used it an excuse to quit. The old Katharine basically did nothing but work, sleep, eat and watch TV. Now, while movies are still a keen interest for me (especially the old classics), I feel like they're not an all-consuming hobby anymore. I want to do other things and get out and be active and I now realize that I'm capable of it. Currently I'm working 2 jobs, 6 days per week, volunteering as a Girl Guide leader, working out 3-5 days per week and still finding time for myself, my boyfriend and friends/family. All those other things used to be the excuses why I couldn't workout or eat right, now they're my drive. I mean, I don't think that any friend or family member would rightfully want me to use them as an excuse to be unhealthy. And besides, it wouldn't be true. It was just me projecting my own excuses onto others to avoid dealing with my own issues. Whoa, way deep there, lol.

Yes, the TF+ 12 week contest will be ending soon, but I've still committed to this particular meal plan and exercise regime for 1 year. And I've committed to maintaining a healthy lifestyle forever, so while I may have bad days or even weeks, there are no excuses to quit.

I think I might walk over to the market and get a fancy raw veggie salad for lunch, treat myself a little :)

Day 72 and Thoughts on some recent struggles

DAY 72. This past week or two has really taken it out of me. I've been stressed about a major career decision and letting the stress get to me too much. There's no right answer for what I should do, so I keep flip-flopping and I think the indecision is creating more upset for myself. My job hasn't been exactly a piece of cake lately either, it has seemed like every day I've had some unpleasant interaction. My job does entail this sort of thing on a semi-regular basis, but it's not usually everyday. I also noticed that my sleeping patterns were off this week, having trouble sleeping through the night regularly and waking at weird hours, then causing me to be tired earlier in the evenings. My Girl Guides had a sleepover this weekend, which was not exactly conducive to getting extra sleep. I know it's taking a toll on my boyfriend too, as with me being so busy taking extra meetings, he's been left to deal with all the household stuff and when I'm at home, I'm just exhausted and haven't been the most wonderful company to be around.

I was disappointed with my weigh-in this week, only down 0.6 lbs. I'm not entirely surprised given what's been going on, but I'm annoyed with myself for letting this other stuff affect my weight loss. However, I'm still plugging away and each day is a new day. I think that if this had been last year, this would be about the time that I give up and stop working out and start making bad food decisions. In the past, any time that life has gotten a little bit hard, I've run right for the veggie burgers and fries, the spaghetti and the grilled cheese. It's like I was trying to make a security blanket for myself, in the form of an weight on my body. There are so many other more healthy ways to comfort myself. I'm not quitting this time. I'm not going to let what will probably just seem like a hic up later on, ruin all the good changes I've been making. I'm really glad that I've been blogging and sharing my journey with my friends and family, cause in times like this, times that get tough, I really need the encouragement. Last week I went to my dad's for dinner and he had made extra veggies for me specially, and bought some tofu for me. I don't think that my dad's fridge has seen tofu since I moved out, lol. It made me so happy to have him support me, even just in that little way.

So, in essence, I'm not going to let myself down or let any of my friends or family down. No quitting.

Goals for this week to refresh my mindset:

1. get 8 hours of sleep each night. priority this week.
2. keep getting that water in!
3. do extra cardio this week. 30 min after both Monday/Saturday sessions and extra 30-45 min on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday. also maybe go for a nice walk on Sunday morning as well.
4. cut back the coffee. too much caffeine last 2 weeks, might be causing sleep problems.
5. no wine allowance this week.
6. keep dairy intake down. eczema on wrist has been clearing up with less dairy intake.
7. do something relaxing each day, maybe 20-30 min yoga/meditation or bubble bath.

Day 67 and Thoughts on using anger for good!

DAY 67. Yet another kick ass workout with the TF+ group on Monday. Wes had us alternate 5 flights of stairs with strength training. We conquered the Empire State Building again! It did seem a lot easier than the first time I started doing sets of stairs. I remember feeling like 2 sets of stairs would literally kill me, and now here I am doing 25 flights :)

It's been a busy and stressful last few weeks at work, so the workouts have really been feeling therapeutic. Monday was hellish, it seemed like every person that called had a litany of complaints. Nothing went right. Seriously, at some point I just gave up trying to be productive and tried to work on my Broker's course assignments instead. However, there's nothing like successfully-directed anger to really charge you up for lifting weights. It's like every grunt and groan and bead of sweat is cleansing me inside. All the bullshit falls away and you just be present in that moment and focus on working as hard as you can, and feel every ounce of your own strength. It's such a good feeling. I love it. I mentioned to Leanne last week that it's getting to the point that if I don't get some sort of workout done in a day, even a 30 min walk or something, I feel a little guilty and incomplete. Gotta love those endorphins!

I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to all those friends, family members, acquaintances, and co-workers who had been so supportive along the way so far. I've received so many wonderfully surprising messages of support from friends that I haven't spoken to in awhile, and had no idea were even reading about my journey. It's so amazing to hear kind words, especially when things feel tough. I have saved each of the messages I've received and when I feel like I need a boost, I go back and look through them. Yes, you definitely need to cultivate healthier tastes to lose weight, but it's certainly not my love of lettuce that has been keeping me going. It's all of you <3

Day 64 and Thoughts on dependency

DAY 64. Tough week, with the extra restrictions because of my 1 lb loss last week. Worth it though! Lost 2.5 this week, take that last week me!

Great workout on Saturday morning with Tracy and Tristan. Wes had us alternate strength and cardio. I forgot my heart rate monitor, so every time I thought I was working hard, because I couldn't gauge my HR level, I just pushed myself harder. I was red as a tomato by the end, but I felt great. I really love working out with our little trio group. We've really bonded over the past 2 months, and I like that we all truly understand what each is going through. I love that I can talk to Tracy not only about how our week of diet/exercise went, but also about other struggles and triumphs going on in our lives. After this month I won't have any contest sessions left, but I will definitely be continuing with the TF+ group. Leanne will be working on the meal plan with me for another 10 months, but the exercise portion is a huge contributor to my effective weight loss and healthy lifestyle. I know it sounds sappy, but it's been such a special experience so far and I don't want it to ever end.

Went to the Vancouver Giants game with some friends last night. It was so different than the last time I went. Last time there were about 5 beers consumed, a large bucket of buttered popcorn and a salted pretzel. This time, just my water bottle and a small popcorn. It was still just as fun though. While the guys talked stats, my girl friend and I spent the game laughing at the players as they hit the boards (maybe that was just me laughing, weird compulsion I guess) and judging the terrible movember mustaches present on and off the ice. And, omg, when we got up at intermission and climbed the stairs, all those squats from earlier that morning came flooding back! Gah, definitely felt them!

The memories of things like parties, movies and sports events are not about the food or drinks. I don't go to see a hockey game to get drunk and overindulge in crap food, I go to be with my friends and watch the spectacle. That is something I have learned over the past couple months, to re-prioritize how I enjoy social interactions without depending on food. I didn't realize at the time how much I depended on it.

Dependency: the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else.

I think that if you asked my friends to describe me, they would say that I'm funny, sweet, kind, loud, animated, and stubborn. I don't think any of them would describe me as reliant or subordinate to anyone or anything. Looking at how much I submitted to food over the past years disappoints me. Not any more. I own me and my life, and I am the only one who controls me. If I don't take crap from anyone, why was I taking that crap from myself? It feels so good to own and be in control of myself again.

Day 62 and Thoughts on evil temptations

DAY 62. Last couple days have been good, stuck to my meal plan, didn't feel too hungry, drank all 8 glasses of water.

Went to the gym yesterday and did 45 minutes on the treadmill, 6 incline, 3.2 speed like Leanne said. I actually didn't notice the first 30 minutes go by, the gym near me has TVs on each machine, so 30 Rock eased me through my boredom. That's the thing about elliptical or treadmill or whatever other cardio machine, I find them to be exceedingly dull. Weight training is interesting cause you're varying it as you go along, but with the treadmill you're just a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere. It's a tad bit depressing actually to compare myself to a hamster. Although hamsters are super cute. We used to have them growing up. I guess I can't say they never got anywhere, because they always managed to escape. Perhaps they did their master planning on the wheel... interesting... anyhow, I digress.

On Wednesday evening, my boyfriend asked me to pick him up some takeout on the way home. I don't know what else to say about that experience other than, it was like my own personal version of hell to be trapped in a confined space with a hot pizza and not be engulfing it. Seriously. Gah. I made it home though, and had my meal plan dinner while he ate his pizza on the other end of the couch. I didn't cheat on my plan, but all I can say is, we need a longer couch...

Day 60 and Thoughts on movie popcorn

DAY 60. Hard to believe it's been 2 months already.

I met with some girlfriends for a coffee and movie last night. Now I remember why I avoid Starbucks these days. When I worked for Starbucks back in university and for a few years after, I probably gained 20-30 lbs from the pastries and drinks alone. With free drinks on shift and employee samples and discounts, geez... you get the idea. The one time of year when everything culminated to create the best drinks and pastries was around Christmas. Pumpkin scones, cranberry bliss bars, eggnog lattes... omg. I used to get a grande eggnog latte (light, of course, a little less guilt, but not much.. sort of like ordering a huge fattening meal with a diet coke, which I used to do too) and one of those decadent pastries, and sometimes a pastry to go too. Not these days... one healthy option that I like around Christmas is their Joy tea, so that's what I had.

At the movie I caved and got a popcorn. That tantalizing smell just did me in. It's my favourite thing in the world. I seriously think that if I could survive on just one food and one drink it would be movie popcorn and chocolate milk. Yup, that's the truth. I know it was not the best decision, but I had stuck to my meal plan all day (which is mostly salad this week) and I opted for a kids size. I could tell the guy at the counter wanted to laugh at me as he asked if I wanted the snowman or the princess toy with that. I self-righteously answered that I wanted a princess. Obviously.

With about 300 calories for a kids size unbuttered versus the large with layered butter that I used to get at around 1700 calories... I felt a little tinge of guilt, but don't truly regret that little treat as I was good all day, had a morning workout, and will be doing a yoga session with my Girl Guides tonight as well. I will also definitely have to do my full 60 minutes of cardio on Thursday.

Just to ruin everyone's enjoyment of their movie popcorn, here's a chart to give you an idea of what this treat can be guilty of...

Day 59 and Thoughts on carb sensitivity

DAY 59. Haven't been online for the past couple days, just enjoying the long weekend. It was a glorious little vacation actually, especially given that work has been more stressful over the past little bit. Saturday morning I got up and did my weigh-in, only down 1 lb this week. I know that every pound lost is a celebration, but I am disappointed with myself. On Thursday I had told myself I would do 60 minutes of cardio on my own, but I only did 30 mins. I was also pretty hungry and had sweet cravings last week, which Leanne thinks might be because I'm carb-sensitive and the pasta meal last Sunday may have set off those cravings. I had popcorn as a snack almost every night. I also didn't get my full 8 cup water intake every day. I find that to be one of the most challenging things to get enough of. Carb sensitivity just means that when I eat higher levels of carbs, my blood sugar may spike more than others, causing me to have responses like cravings and such. This is certainly not ideal for someone who likes pasta so much, but at the end of the day, my health is worth more than pasta (better not let my Italian grandmother hear me saying that!). Because of the lower weight loss this week, and to control any carb cravings/triggers, my meal plan is a little more restrictive this week... meaning more raw leafy greens.

My workout on Saturday with Tristan and Tracy was intense! Wes had us do a cycle of 5 flights of stairs followed by strength exercises. We did the cycle 5 times, making the total stairs climbed equivalent to the Empire State Building! Woo! When I got home I had a hot bath. I find that after an intense workout, the hot water relaxes me and my muscles don't ache so much the next day. Well, so much for that theory this time. I was definitely walking funny the next day thanks to those stairs, lol. Saturday was blissfully relaxing after that, my boyfriend and I made brunch (egg white omelet with veggies and salsa) and watched movies that afternoon.

Sunday was my cousin's baby shower. Any one trying to lose weight should probably just steer clear of any baby or bridal showers. So much delicious looking food... cupcakes, squares, cheese and crackers, mini sandwiches... drool. I was chatting with one of our family friends and kept glancing longingly at the cupcakes. She laughed and just said, 'nah, they weren't any good, don't worry.' It was a sweet attempt to divert me and I appreciated it. I ate some carrots instead.

I woke up Monday with a headache. We had a TF+ workout at noon and I debated back and forth skipping it if my head didn't stop pounding. It didn't but I went anyways. It wasn't the greatest workout I've ever done, but I'm really glad I went. Any workout is better than no workout.

Fresh new day today. Woke up feeling good. Had an early workout with Sarah this morning. It was a particularly challenging one, not because I was doing particularly insane cardio or anything, but the compound exercises were tough today. I didn't think I could make it through the side planks but I did! Before work I made some roasted tilapia with curry powder to go with my salad for lunch. I've never tried it before, so that should be interesting.

As I want to aim for a higher weight loss this week to counter last week's lower number, I thought I'd make some goals for myself:

1. Get at least 8 cups of water in every day (always a challenge for me, but I can do it)
2. Do 60 minutes of cardio on Thursday and 30 mins after my Saturday workout
3. Try 2 new raw salads (I'll hunt some down on therawterian.com)

Day 54 and Thoughts on sweets

DAY 54 and my obliques are killing me! A lot of the time, it's the seemingly easy and simple exercises that hurt later. Geez! My boyfriend is working late tonight, so while I want to lay on my new couch and watch Netflix, I'm going to get to the gym and do my 30 mins of cardio that I promised myself I would do. Dinner will be so much more delicious after a good workout.

Tried my pad thai recipe again for lunch, few modifications... was feeling lazy so I used a bag of Dole broccoli slaw instead of julienning all the veggies. Dumped in all the ingredients from my original recipe and added 1 tbsp. of almond butter as well. The almond butter really added a nice flavour. I think I'm going to stick with this modification from now on, yum!

It's weird that sometimes things that I didn't care for much in the past are now sort of tempting to me. I've never had much of a sweet tooth, but now every time I walk past someplace with really delicious pastries, my mouth waters. Today I was at Park Royal and I walked by Purdy's and I seriously considered getting just one strawberry or raspberry crème (my favs). I stood frozen outside the shop for at least 30 seconds before I kept walking. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, as I kept stepping towards and away from the store like a crazy person.

The thing is about my new lifestyle and diet changes, I'm only cheating myself if I cheat. I'm only hurting myself if I cheat. I'm only disappointing myself if I cheat. It can be a real challenge to come to terms with the fact that I can only depend on myself with this. No one is going to follow me around whispering in my ear when I want to eat a pint of ice cream or a bucket of movie theatre popcorn. No one is going to rouse me out of bed to get to the gym. I think that's one of the hardest parts of making diet and lifestyle changes, you can only help yourself. Now, that's not to say that friends and family can't be encouraging and supportive, they are definitely the thing that supports and motivates me to do better and get healthy. They keep me accountable. But they don't stand next to me all day, telling me what's right and wrong. I have to do that for myself. Writing things down every day helps too. Having my blog and my daily food journal gives me an outlet. I've also found that I really love sharing my journey with others. Given the statistics about overweight and obese North Americans, I know that my journey is one that many have been on before.

Another thing that all this has made me realize... I need to find some good raw dessert recipes to curb any sweetness cravings.

Day 52 and Thoughts on being my own lead actress

DAY 52. Kick ass workout last night. Super intense. Wes set up a rotation of weights and high-intensity cardio. That annoying little blue ball was out again last night, the one that we slam to the ground, bounces only an inch or two and we have to catch on the first bounce. I'm proud to say I wasn't totally winded after 1 minute of that, and on the second circuit I did it without dropping the ball at all! It's the little victories that count. When it came to the stairs, I managed 3.25 flights in 1 minute. At the end of the workout I was totally and completely wiped out. I went home, showered and shoveled some dinner in, then attempted to watch a movie with my boyfriend but actually just passed out. I felt a little bad, cause he always makes fun of me for falling asleep during movies, but this time I couldn't help it. It was probably the most intense workout I've had so far.

This morning I had a workout with Sarah. She timed me at the TF stair challenge, there are different numbers of flights to challenge, representing different North American buildings (i.e Empire State building). I tried the first one and did 4.5 flights in 1.36 minutes. Geez. It was tough. No matter how much more fit I feel, there is always something new to challenge me.

Some days I feel restless and impatient. Today is one of those days. I'm hungry and a bit cranky today. I feel like I'm working so hard but I'm not getting there very fast. Like those nightmares I've had in the past where there's a bad guy chasing you and suddenly your legs won't work properly and you're running in slow-motion as the bad guy catches up. There are still those days when I'm working out and I feel like I'm a total bodybuilder, but then I look in the mirrors and still see an overweight girl. There are days when it doesn't matter how many outfits I try on before work, I'm going to feel like they all look stupid. Days like that totally and completely suck. And I know it's pointless to give into feelings like that. In the past, whenever I starting feeling sorry for myself, I'd reach for the chips, buttered popcorn and/or mac and cheese, pop in a sappy favourite DVD and imagine living in their world instead. I guess I'm tired of living in an imaginary world, I want to live in my own world, I want to be the lead actress, not a supporting role or some bit part. I have to take restless, impatient days like this and kick their asses to the curb. I got up at 6:15 am today to get my butt to my workout. I worked hard. I planned my meals and didn't cheat. I need to keep reminding myself of the little achievements and be proud of those. The weight didn't come on overnight, it's not going to come off overnight either. I'll keep working hard and kicking ass. Chin up Katharine, everyone has bad days, not everyone gives into them.

Weird how therapeutic blogging is. I feel better already.

Day 50 and Thoughts on the first 10% gone!

DAY 50. My Saturday weigh-in this week was a good one again, down another 2.4 lbs. I started at 296.6 and have lost 29.6 lbs so far which puts me at 9.98% of my body weight lost so far. Close enough to 10% I think, lol. I've been doing some online research and that first 10% is definitely a very important first step.

As an overweight person, the health benefits of losing just 10% of your weight are amazingly positive. That first 10% significantly lowers your risks of heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, certain cancers, sleep apnea symptoms, and can increase vitality and energy. That first 10% also gives you a reality check and a better sense of the next part of your weight loss journey, especially if you still have a ways to go, as I do.

I'm so excited to reach this milestone, which coincides pretty closely with my first 30 lbs lost. I found a Groupon for a haircut and highlights, which I've decided is my reward for this first milestone. Tracy, Tristan and I were talking about how it's important to have those rewards for each smaller goal reached along the way, non-food rewards that is. Another great benefit to keeping up a steady weight loss is that now once a week, I can add a pasta meal to my day. Preferably gluten free, and definitely whole wheat. No cream sauce, but a small triangle of Laughing Cow cheese will make a plain marinara more creamy and decadent without adding many calories. I'm so excited for dinner tonight! Tonight will be the first taste of pasta in 2 months!!!

I've started to fit back into some of the clothes that I've outgrown and kept hidden at the back of my closet. Yesterday I dragged out a cute maroon-coloured shirt dress that I haven't worn in about 2 years and it fit! I felt great going out with my boyfriend yesterday, I felt more sexy and confident than I have in awhile. Just seeing that validation through the fit of my clothes is huge! One other benefit that my boyfriend has noticed is that he says I don't snore much anymore, sometimes not at all. I'm really happy about this, cause it caused me a lot of shame and embarrassment thinking that he was losing sleep because of me.

I know that sometimes my blog can seem disproportionately optimistic, but that's not to say that this process has been easy. It has been really hard. Every day something challenges me, it's just that it feels really good to rise to the occasion. I am a generally optimistic person, but for those who are sitting at home and reading my blog, thinking about beginning their own weight loss journey... just do it! The actual decision to begin was the hardest one I made. After hearing from Team Fitness that I made it the next phase of interviews, I had to take a day or two to decide whether I was really ready to do this. I agonized over it. I was so afraid of both making a change and failing at it. I know too, that not everyone has the amazing opportunity I've been given by Team Fitness. However, there are tons of options for those who can't afford meal planning services and personal training. Team Fitness offers group bootcamps and partner training. Personally I'll be sticking with the TF+ bootcamps even after my contest sessions end.  I love working with the trainers and having the support of my TF+ friends. My health is worth the cost of taking a couple bootcamps each week and being with that support group at TF. Not eating out and making my own food has been saving me money so I'll be putting that towards bootcamps/training. Also, lots of community centres have free classes a couple times a week. And no one will charge you a dime to put on your runners and go for a jog! Check out the library for some clean eating diet books, the Wheat Belly ones are really good. There will always be excuses, but deciding to rise above those excuses and take control of your life and health is the most important decision you can make. Some days can be really f*ing hard, but every single day I am so grateful and proud that I turned myself around and starting taking my health seriously.


My visual inspiration of reaching my goal!

Day 48 and Thoughts on working harder

DAY 48. Tough workout with Sarah last night. Really tough. At some point during the workout Sarah asked me my heart rate which was at about 135 bpm. I thought I was working hard, as I was fairly out of breath. She just looked at me with a no-nonsense look and said "You're holding back on me." I thought about it for a second, yeah I guess I was. In the first couple weeks, when I got upto 135 bpm, that was pretty hard, one time in the first couple weeks I got up to 155 bpm and I thought I would pass out. I felt dizzy and light-headed. I came to the realization that my body is getting into better shape so I can't look at the monitor and think that 135 is working hard anymore. I need to work harder. For the rest of the workout, whenever I thought I couldn't go any harder or faster, or control my muscles in weight exercise, I proved myself wrong. I kept my heart rate up to around 145-158 bpm and at the end I really felt like I worked hard and was totally spent. No point in doing anything half-assed, I want to do this right. Don't get me wrong, I always work hard during my sessions. I take my time to do the strength training correctly, slow and steady and controlled. I still find the weight training to be very challenging and still feel sore after every workout. I just realized that especially in my cardio, I can push myself harder. I don't want to feel at the end of a workout that I still have anything left, I want to give it all I've got. And so I shall.

On a lighter note, my boyfriend and I carved our pumpkin last night and I roasted the seeds with some cayenne, cumin, garlic and pepper. In the oven at 250 degrees for an hour, turning occasionally. Soooo good. Going to try them on my salad for lunch today.