Day 47 and Thoughts on Halloween

DAY 47. Along with the rest of the world, I have been inundated with advertising for Halloween candy for several weeks now. It's driving me crazy. I don't even like candy that much, never been a huge sweet tooth, yet these days all I want is pile of fun-size candy bars. It's ridiculous. There was a blatant ad on the radio basically saying "Buy extra candy for the kids, but really, you'll want to eat it too!" Seriously? Yeah. Some days I wish I lived in a bubble. Without advertising, I wouldn't feel half the cravings I feel for random junk like Burger King or pasta or steak (this coming from a vegetarian). I guess the nice thing is, eventually my willpower will be so strong from resisting all those cravings, that I will be able to do anything! M wah ha ha! In a way, I feel more superior to those people on the Biggest Loser, who actually do live in a bubble, cause I'm losing this weight in my regular life, with all its ups and downs and stresses and frustrations.

Instead of my early morning workout this morning, I'm doing a Hallo-workout tonight at TF with Sarah. At least it'll take me away from the apartment, in which my boyfriend is trying to coerce me into watching scary movies. There are those who can handle horror movie and those who cannot. I fall into the latter category, though he never ceases to try to change that. Sigh.

Good lunch for today, some leftovers from dinner, vegetarian chili and salad. I try to play around with my lettuces, and try new ones. I really like butter lettuce, so soft and delicate. I also started adding some Dijon mustard to my dressing and it's really tasty. The Dijon makes it taste more like a Caesar dressing.

My go-to salad dressing:
- 2 tbsp. flax seed oil
- 1 tbsp. balsamic or other vinegar
- 1-2 tsp. Dijon mustard
- pinch of oregano, thyme, basil and black pepper

My other new thing is on the days where I have my 1 cup of plain yogurt with protein powder, I add 1 tbsp. of raw unsweetened cocoa powder and a sprinkle of stevia. Has a nice flavour to is, almost like creamy chocolate pudding, but less sweet. Mmm.

Day 45 and Thoughts on Pad Thai

DAY 45. Tough workout last night. I'm not sure why, but I got a bit of a headache just after work which intensely magnified as the workout progressed. I ate all my meals that day and drank tons of water, so I can only guess it was just a bit of work stress. I was proud of myself for finishing, it was a particularly challenging heavy weights session, though I did have to slow my pace.

Had another workout this morning at 7 am with Eric. I wasn't sore from yesterday yet (probably the hot bath helped), but now I'll be double sore, lol. Seriously, I'm definitely feeling it now, I don't want to get up from my desk to go to my meeting.

After the workout last night, I jello'ed myself home (my new term for how I feel after an intense workout). The whole car ride home I debated whether I would just go to bed or make a nice dinner. Both overruled... I got right into a hot bubble bath and relaxed. After that I felt sooo much better so I attempted the healthy pad thai recipe I had researched earlier and had bought all the ingredients on my lunch hour for. So worth it! I used to have Thai for lunch at least once a week and I missed it. The place near my work makes the most fatteningly delicious pad thai and spring rolls. Mmm... I've been determined to find a recipe that would work for me and will continue to test them out til I find the perfect one. This one was actually super good, I made enough for dinner and lunch today, so I can enjoy it again later :)

I took a photo of the ingredients including egg whites, but didn't end up using them. You could put 1/3 cup scrambled egg whites as well though. Also, in terms of the exact measurements of veggies, I didn't really strictly follow that. I like tons of veggies to bulk recipes up and keep me full. You could switch with whatever other types you like.

My pad thai recipe (made 2 servings):
- 1 package Shirataki noodles
- 1 cup zucchini, julienned
- 1/2 cup carrots, julienned
- 1/4 head of red cabbage, julienned
- 1/2 cup asparagus, cut into 1" pieces
- 1 cup bean sprouts
- 1/2 cup green onions, cut into 1" pieces
- 2 tsp chili powder, or more to taste
- teeny pinch red pepper flakes
- 2 garlic cloves, grated
- 1" piece ginger, grated
- 1/4 block tofu
- 6 large shrimp
- olive oil spray
- 3 tbsp low sodium fish sauce
- 2 tbsp rice vinegar
- 1/2 lime
- optional: 2 tbsp crushed peanuts

I cooked my tofu and shrimp first then set aside. The noodles must be drained and rinsed, boiled for 2-3 minutes then drained and rinsed again. All the veggies along with vinegar, fish sauce, spices, garlic and ginger were thrown into a lightly olive oil sprayed wok pan. After about 5 minutes of cooking (they should still be a bit crisp), add in the noodles, shrimp and tofu. Let cook for a few more minutes. Serve with a fresh squeeze of lime and an optional sprinkling of crushed peanuts (I passed, enough flavours without them).

DAY 44 and Thoughts on being hungry

DAY 44. Feeling hungry today. Chugging back on water like there's no tomorrow, which is helping. When I think about how I would have acted a mere 6 weeks ago, it's crazy. At the first sign of any hunger pangs I would be running for the junk food. Heck, even before I had hunger pangs, I'd be rooting around for them. It's nice to feel this new-found sense of control. Food doesn't control me. I control the food that I'm eating and I'm making good healthy decisions.

I tried on a little dress I haven't worn in a few years (actually I've worn it but can only wear it as a long shirt at my current weight). It's really pretty and I never got rid of it in the hope that I'd be able to fit into it again. It was nice to see that it's starting to fit better, though I know I still have a ways to go til it looks really good. I have a few others buried in the back that are about the same, some with tags on them still. I think all women do that, keep clothes that they don't fit into, in the vain hope that it will magically fit again. Well, at least now I'm not waiting for magic to make it happen, cause that certainly didn't work for me in the past, lol.

Day 43 and Thoughts on food substitutions

DAY 43. Yesterday was an amazing day. Woke up refreshed, did my weigh-in... down another 2 lbs this week! My home scale currently reads 269.4 lb. The TF+ scale does run a bit higher than my home scale, so I'll see how the weigh-in is tomorrow.

Tristan, Tracy and I had an awesome TF+ workout with trainer Sarah yesterday morning. We alternated 4 min weight circuits and 2 min cardio. We did a bunch of core stuff at the end which I could feel when I got myself out of bed this morning. Now that I'm adding dairy back in to the mix, I tried a Muscle Milk light for breakfast before the workout, as I didn't have any almond milk to make my protein shake. It was really tasty, not quite like honest-to-goodness chocolate milk, but really good. The other time I didn't have any almond milk to make the protein shake, I just used water... yup, just water, flax oil and protein powder. Omg. That was the most disgusting thing EVER. Not doing that again, lol. Muscle Milk is a waaayyyy better alternative on the run.

It was great to get back to the gym after a couple days of sleeping, watching bad daytime TV and eating nothing but tea, soup and dry toast. The old me probably would have revelled in the laying around and watching TV all day, even if I was sick, but now I don't like sitting still as much when I'm home. I want to be out doing things. I did a little grocery shop, went home and had a nice egg white omelet brunch, tidied the house, and got outside to enjoy the beautiful crisp fall weather. For dinner I attempted to use Shirataki noodles to make spaghetti and marinara sauce. I just used a nice jar of store-bought marinara, but bulked it up with spinach, onions and mushrooms. With a side of baked halibut, a big green salad, and a nice glass of red... it was an awesome dinner. The noodles take some getting used to for sure. They definitely do not have the texture of real pasta, nor would I say it's a close second, but I still thought as a whole it was good. It's sort of how it took some getting used to when I stopped eating meat a few years ago and started adding in tofu. It's not the same, but after awhile, you sort of forget what the real thing is like and start enjoying the substitutions.

Day 41 and Thoughts on being sick :(

DAY 41. I've been sick with something flu-like for the past 2-3 days. Total bummer. The meal plan was not followed while sick, mostly because I wasn't able to eat much except vegetable soup, water and a little bit of dry rye toast. I missed 2 days of work and spent it on the couch, dozing off between episodes of CSI. I tried to study my textbook (a work course I'm taking) but reading the same page over and over is not exactly productive. I also had to cancel my Thursday morning workout, but I'll make it up next week. That's the thing about this new way of life, miss one session, make it up the next day! This morning I had some real food for the first time, my bowl of yogurt for breakfast, it was amazing after the same soup for several days. I actually can't wait to get to the gym tomorrow morning for my TF+ workout. I know I'll have to take it a bit easy so as not to push myself too hard while I'm getting better, but I really missed my workout. I love how I feel during and after. It's definitely the endorphins or something, but I'm always really stoked after we finish. It's totally addictive.

Anyhow, should get back to my work now, the emails and phone messages really piled up while I was away!

Day 38 and Thoughts on Shirataki noodles

DAY 38. Good TF+ group workout last night. There's something about sweating it out with others, you just naturally start to bond. It could be a shared love of hating the trainers, lol, just kidding (please don't hurt me next time Trainers!). It was definitely a challenging workout, plus the fact that I was still sore from Saturday morning's heavy weights session.

After the workout, I was pretty tired and sore, so I went home, made some really yummy southwest stirfry and baked halibut with salsa on the side, then took a deliciously relaxing bubble bath. I can't remember the last time I had one, and it was heaven. Lots of lavender bubbles, scented candles, some Enya playing in the background, and hot hot water.... who needs wine and cheesecake? this was bliss!

Every Saturday morning we do a weigh-in from home and email Leanne. She records the results for the week and adjusts our meal plans accordingly. On Monday, with the TF+ group, we do another weigh-in. There's always a bit of a discrepancy, as one is first thing in the morning and the other is at the end of the day, plus the Monday weigh-in comes after our Sunday 'high carb' day. I was a bit disappointed with my official weigh-in this week, I only lost a negligible amount by the TF scale. Although I was very happy that my home scale weigh-in on Saturday morning showed another 2.4 lbs loss this week (for a loss of 24.6 lbs so far).

This morning I made my usual green smoothie. I play around with the combinations some mornings, but usually its the same: 1 small banana, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1 scoop protein powder, 2 cups of spinach or kale, or both mixed. I know it looks kind of gross, but I find them to be pretty good. Of course, this is coming from the woman who thinks that tofu tastes as good as chicken.

 

For lunch today I tried out Shirataki noodles in a stirfry with veggies, tofu, Chinese 5-spice, Bragg's seasoning and some sesame seeds. I first heard about them from a friend of mine who swore by them. Super low in calories, yet a great pasta alternative. According to Wikipedia...  "Shirataki noodles are very low carbohydrate, low calorie, thin, translucent Japanese noodles made from devil's tongue yam. Largely composed of water and glucomannan, a water-soluble dietary fiber, they have little flavor of their own." They're packed in water and do have a peculiar smell when you open it, but if you rinse them, boil for 2-3 minutes, then rinse again, they can be used like normal cooked noodles and will absorb whatever flavours they're cooked in. This particular brand is a blend of Shirataki and tofu, as apparently the addition of tofu improves the texture. I haven't had lunch yet, so we shall see...

Day 37 and Thoughts on Wine

DAY 37. Brutal workout yesterday with Tristan and Tracy. Our trainer Wes really kicked our butts. I felt like jello afterwards. I was showing Tracy something on the computer right after the workout and my arms could barely stay up to type on the keyboard, it was that tough! Today I can definitely feel every exercise, especially my arms. Felt good though, especially after what seemed like a restless sort of week. After I got home I felt really productive, so when my boyfriend went to meet up with a buddy for a few hours, I decided to clean the apartment. Seriously, I cleaned for just over 4 hours. It's amazing how much junk accumulates. Everything looks fantastic now, the prettiest bathtub and closets you have ever seen. :)  Plus, you can burn up to 200 calories an hour cleaning moderately, so it was like I had two workouts that day! I had a refreshing shower afterwards and settled on the couch with a bowl of soup for lunch and felt accomplished.

When my boyfriend got home, we both had dinner and got gussied up to go to a wine tasting event that I had free tickets for. I made sure to make it a light meal, as I wanted to see if there would be a few vegetarian appetizers to go with the wine tasting. I did really well, I had a few tastings, and as each one is just a little sip of wine, the evening's tastings just added up to my allotted wine allowance. After not having any wine for so long, it was lovely to taste a few nice (expensive!) reds. I've never been much a red-drinker before, but Leanne suggests on the plan, that if you're having a glass or two of alcohol a week, it should be red wine. I made sure to have several big glasses of water as Leanne suggests too. And let me tell you, there were so many yummy-looking appetizers... drool. Most of them I passed on, the quiches and cheese plates and such, and just had my boyfriend taste them and tell me how good they were. I know that might sound odd and a little torturous in a way, but I don't mind. They all looked so good, and a little smell and some running commentary from him are all I need, lol. There was a delicious mini trio of coloured beets that I sampled. I think I may have to make that appie for my dinner party with Tracy and Tristan. I had no idea I liked beets so much, they have a really nice earthy flavour. I also tried a bite of what I thought the waiter said was portobello and kimchi. Kimchi is a fermented spiced cabbage. That seemed like a safe option as well, but when I tasted it, something was off. Turns out that what I heard as 'portobello' was actually 'pork belly'. Omg. I haven't eaten meat in over 3 years, and here I am tricked into eating pork. Gross, lol. I stuck to watching my boyfriend try the appies after that. Overall the night was really great... a perfect date night, lovely venue, good music, new people to chat with, a few nice tastings... I didn't even feel deprived not being able to eat all the food. It's all about the mind set, I choose not to look at it as missing out on the food, and enjoy all the other senses instead. Also, while it was nice to have some wine as a special occasion, I don't feel like I need it every week, so while I can have a glass or two a week, I think I'll leave it as a treat.

I add back in dairy today after 5 weeks of not eating it, so that will be a nice change. Like with adding back in the flour, it's not a lot, only a couple times a week. I can't go around eating cheese like I used to or anything, but I will be able to have some yogurt for breakfast and a slice of low-fat cheese in my dark rye veggie sandwich. I didn't have any problems adding back in flour, so I hope there are no problems adding back in dairy. Would totally suck to find out I'm lactose intolerant or something.

My brother's birthday is today, we'll be going to Red Robin like we do every year since we were kids. I'm going to do some menu research so I'll be prepared. It's a 'high' day, so I can have some brown rice with my fish and a big side salad. That's what this new lifestyle change is all about, smart choices and pre-planning. I feel bad that I'll have to pass on the cake, but my family is really supportive of this decision to be healthy, so they'll understand. My health is worth more than cake.

Day 34 and Thoughts on hard days

DAY 34. Some days are harder than others. While some days just fly by, in which I eat my allotted meals and feel good and be productive at work. Yesterday wasn't one of those days. It didn't matter that I had my planned meals and snacks, I felt hungry (and a bit cranky as a result) all day. I tried sucking back on lots of water, which didn't work, just made me have to use the washroom more, lol. I spent a lot of time procrastinating. About 10 times I thought about going across the street and getting a bag of chips or going to my favourite Thai place for lunch. I tried to keep myself occupied. Over lunch I ran some errands and went for lunch with my boyfriend... steamed veggies and tofu with no sauce from Edo. I'm not really sure what it was, maybe a bit of boredom or something, but after lunch I was just as hungry and cranky. When I got home I thought I'd heat up some leftover veggie/tofu stew and have a glass of red. Even though this next phase of the plan allows for a glass or two of wine a week, I felt guilty and ended up pouring it back with drinking any. In the end I had my veggie stew for dinner, watched some trashy TV, made some plain popcorn as a snack, read my book and just went to bed early. I know that not every day will be a walk in the park, this is a radically different way of life for me, and I'd have to be some sort of saint not to ever have a tough day. I was just a little disappointed with my attitude yesterday, and though I didn't follow through on any of my inclinations to cheat, I was mad that I had tempted my own willpower that way. I've already shown myself that I can do this, and I piss myself off when I get all weak and want to eat crap food like chips.

It's a fresh new day today though, got up early and made another slow cooker veggie tofu stew for tonight... my new favourite meal, so much flavour and heartiness without the salt and fat and excess of calories. Today will be different because I want it to be.

Day 33 and Thoughts on the 'dead bug'

DAY 33. Workout at Team Fitness this morning with Sarah. She knows my core needs strengthening so she focused on that, much to my dismay.... lol, just kidding. But not really. Just when I think I'm starting to get stronger at my planks, she makes me do it on the exercise ball. I could barely make it 30 seconds til I collapsed. Then she demonstrated the 'dead bug' in which you recline on a bosu ball in a sit-up position and with the legs held bent in the air... for me it was more a 'wobbly dead bug' or a 'flattened bug'... lol, that was a tough one.

Tracy, Tristan and I have decided to do a rotation dinner party, where we can try out some yummy healthy recipes on each other. It's great, cause while my boyfriend is always supportive, it's good to have some new guinea pigs to test recipes on sometimes :) I tend to use the same recipes week after week, with just some different spices and stuff, so I'm going to have to start trawling Pinterest for new recipes. I want to show them that tofu can actually taste good. I think we may start next week, cause I add back in dairy next week.

Day 32 and Thoughts on little cheats

DAY 32. Around noon yesterday I started craving that yummy vegetable stew I made in the slow cooker last week, so I called home and asked my boyfriend to put a bunch of veggies and tofu in the slow cooker, top with some spices and the rest of the low-sodium veggie broth. When I came home the apartment smelled so good. It was such a lovely night. While I enjoyed my veggie stew for dinner, my boyfriend and I watched the new Biggest Loser episode and relaxed. I decided at some point that I wanted to bake bread so we went for a drive and ended up at Walmart . I decided that baking bread would not be a good idea that night so I bought a new mandolin slicer instead. When I got home I did try to make some zucchini chips for a snack, but they utterly failed. Probably cause after I sliced, sprayed with a light mist of olive oil spray and garlic/rosemary, I went to bed and left them in the oven for like 3 hours. Luckily my boyfriend did take them out, but they were not good. Really not good. I'm not sure why, but I seem to forget between uses, that our oven runs hotter, so cooking them over the time listed on the recipe is probably a really bad idea. Oops. Will try again tomorrow. They looked cute though, they got to about 1/3 of the size and really crispy.

I was thinking about little cheats the other day, as I read Tracy's blog. She's amazing, defying DQ ice cream cake at her hubby's birthday! It made me laugh cause while we were on the cruise, my boyfriend and I did what I will call 'little cheats'. I'd goad him into eating a piece of cheesecake or chocolate cake and then I'd kiss him, to get teeny bit of the dessert essence. Sorry Leanne, I didn't write those ones down in the food journal! I know it isn't really a cheat per se, it just makes me smile thinking about it. I've also taken to walking by my favourite restaurants and bakeries instead of avoiding them, and just enjoying the delicious smells and still confidently walking away. I don't need to use as much willpower and self-restraint as I did a few weeks ago, because while I have those little thoughts about cheese and pasta once in awhile, I don't want the crap food anymore and the smells don't tempt me as they used to. I can just enjoy the lovely aromas, like scented candles, and keep walking.

Day 31 and Progress so far

DAY 31. Yesterday was a great workout with the TF+ group. I feel a little sore today which always makes me happy, I know I worked hard yesterday. One thing I've learned from the trainers is that if an exercise seems a little less challenging I can make it more so by really focusing on the muscles being worked and tightening them more. One of the other TF+ers brought her husband to check out the class (we all got a bring-a-friend-for-free card as contest applicants) and I think that's a great idea. I may have to bring my boyfriend to one of the classes to show him what I do there and meet my wonderful TF+ teammates :)

Yesterday was  great day, my boyfriend and I got up and had our green smoothies for breakfast and then went for a walk along the seawall before I headed to my TF+ class. I love that we're getting out and being active together. It was such a beautiful day outside too, soaked in lots of vitamin D.

Me and my sweetie enjoying our green smoothies....

My progress so far has been great. For this first month and during the cleanse, my body responded happily to all the changes. I could almost feel my cells waking up and saying 'Finally! We've been begging you to get us some good food and exercise for awhile!' :)

My current weight... 274 lbs, (I round up because my home scale and the TF+ scale always differ by about 1-2 lbs). This makes a 22 lb loss so far since my initial TF+ assessment and my heaviest weight! This also means I've lost 7.4% of my body weight so far and completed 16% of my goal weight loss amount. No slowing down though, long way to go still but a great start.

Day 29 and Thoughts about Bread (and Pasta)

DAY 29 and the end of WEEK 4. First day of the next meal plan phase and the first day of adding back in flour. I thought I'd ask Leanne for some good pumpernickel or dark rye bread recipes. I've never made bread on my own, only with Grandma when I was a kid. And let's be honest, she made it, I just got in her way, lol. I just figure that it would be interesting to try it on my own and maybe I can cut the recipe so I make a smaller loaf and waste less. Also, pumpernickel and dark rye are expensive! More than $5 a loaf at the store so it's probably better to make my own anyways. It's funny how little the lack of bread has bothered me. When I think about cutting wheat and flour, it was more the loss of pasta that sucked. I have to say, I still miss it. A big beautiful plate of scrumptious velvety fettuccine alfredo from Carmello's, a heaping plate of spaghetti with Nonna's flavourful and comforting homemade marinara.... I think I'd better stop, I'm going to damage the keyboard with all this drooling. Maybe I'll go trawl Pinterest for one of those raw zucchini pasta recipes with the cashew butter alfredo or whatever. Perhaps it'll curb my cravings.

I read a little saying online and it was exciting to think that I'm already 4 weeks on my way. I definitely feel my body changing and my mind too.

Day 28 and Thoughts about Thanksgiving!

DAY 28. Amazing workout this morning with the trio of TF+ winners. Felt so good. It was a beautiful day so Sarah had us fast walking/ jogging around the block in between sets of strength exercises as our cardio. At the end of the workout I was super happy. Like ridiculously giddy. Probably annoyingly so, lol.

My boyfriend and I did a big shop today and got tons of veggies. He's going to try doing a juice cleanse for a few days. This week I add back in wheat, but only 2 days per week and only in the form of spelt or dark rye bread for a sandwich. I've never had dark rye bread so we shall see...

Our fridge today in shades of green...

It't Thanksgiving at my uncle and aunt's tonight so there was some preparation involved. Knowing that I'd have to pass on pumpkin pie... I tested out a new recipe from therawtarian.com ... avocado chocolate pudding. Super easy and amazing. Just soak 1/2 cup of dates in warm water for about an hour. On low in the blender, blend the soaked dates, 1 avocado, 1 tbsp honey, 3 tbsp raw cocoa powder, and about 1/4 cup water. Refrigerate until chilled. I had that for dessert tonight and it was wonderfully decadent. Everyone had a taste and remarked how good it was, even my dad who hates any diet food or the like, which he has coined 'death food.' I also cooked my Tofurky as I do every Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's a good vegetarian protein (and I think it tastes great) but it does have salt and stuff, so it's not a regular protein source, just a holiday thing. The wonderful smells in the house didn't bother me like I thought it might. It just made me feel cozy and comforted, happy to be with my family. It was really great to hear the compliments from my relatives that they could already notice a difference, not only in my appearance but also how I carry myself. I love a new captive audience to tell about my journey and my meal and exercise plan.

Because of the holiday, we won't have the regular check-in on Monday but we will have our group workout. My home scale has reported good news this week but I want to verify on the official TF scale before I post my results on my blog. I'll just say that I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Tonight my aunt and I were discussing my weight loss and my blog, and she made an interesting comment. She said that the blogging is a great way to leave behind my issues as I continue along my journey, so by the end I will be ready for my new lifestyle. It's so true, I do feel like my blog allows me the freedom to be totally honest and open. I made the decision to just put it all out there and not look back. I'm so glad I did. Hiding my weight and health issues and my feelings surrounding them was really unhealthy. I feel like with the pounds I shed, I'm shedding the fears and insecurities with them. If anything I write about helps inspire someone else to relate to me and decide to make a healthy change, that would be so amazing. I am so thankful to all those who are supporting me along the way and I want to inspire others to change with me. Happy Thanksgiving! 

Day 27 and Thoughts about Control

DAY 27. Can't believe I've made it through the cleansing phase without cheating or going crazy! I don't remember the last time I went a month without alcohol, dairy or flour! I don't think there ever was a time without those things. Next week I start adding things back in gradually, first week I add back in flour, the week after will be dairy. This way I can figure out if I have any food allergies or intolerances. Next week I can also add back in some alcohol, in the form of no more than 1-2 glasses of red wine per week. After 4 weeks, I'm not missing any of those things anymore, which is good because while it will be nice to add a little variety and be able to enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner on occasion, the meal plan will still be focused on lean protein and lots of veggies. I don't think I've eaten this many veggies in my life. I seriously have to re-stock lettuce and other greens in the middle of the week now because I eat all the stuff I bought on the weekend.

Last night's dinner was an awesome slow-cooker veggie stew. I just added chopped onion, garlic, cabbage, tomato, carrots, bok choy, mushrooms and tofu, then topped with low sodium vegetable broth and some spices (chili powder, cayenne, oregano, thyme, basil, bay leaf). I let it simmer for a couple hours and it was delish. I did add more cayenne and chili powder to it upon tasting, to make up for the lack of salt. I made enough for another meal or two, so I'm looking forward to it as a healthy lunch before Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night.

Something that I've noticed about being on this plan is that I feel in control. A lot of the time in the past, I felt like I wasn't in control of my life, I felt chaotic or lost. Work stressed me out more than it should and I felt like that was out of my control too. Having this sense of control over my body again, is such an empowerment. I feel like I have taken back the reins on my life again. I may not control all the circumstances that happen to me, but I have complete control over my responses to those circumstances. Yeah, a workout session gets canceled due to a holiday or a sick day. Doesn't matter. I get myself to the gym and do my workout. Yeah, someone brought in some cupcakes. That doesn't bother me. I'm not going to eat them and I can appreciate that it was a nice gesture. Yeah, I take calls all day from people bitching about stupid things, that's okay. That's my job sometimes. I can't control how they act or speak, but I can stop letting it bother me. Once I start taking control over my own mind and body, life stops seeming like a hopeless hap-hazard bunch of random events. I am not a victim of circumstances, I am a strong, smart and willful woman (my boyfriend would probably say stubborn, lol) who is responsible for herself and has people depending on her. I can't just leave it all up to chance anymore.

Day 26 and Thoughts about Relationships

DAY 26 and another great workout this morning. I hadn't worked with Eric before but it was great. Focus was on cardio and some arms, chest and back work today. A lot of the exercises were deceptively challenging. The trainers always make it look so easy! Me on the other hand, I was shaking by the end of some of them. I know, I know, I'll get there some day, but man some of the simplest things can kick my ass right now. Like stairs. Damn those stairs, lol.

I find that each trainer at TF is a little different which makes the routine of working out more interesting. In the past, I used to go to the rec centre gym and use the elliptical for 30 minutes, maybe do some weights and stuff too. After a month or so, I would get bored and fall off the wagon. By mixing things up, working with different trainers, and doing group sessions, it keeps me interested and engaged. This journey is just beginning and will be a lifelong commitment, so I better keep interested. What is that saying? 'Adapt or die'? Well, that sort of applies here. Either I change my ways or I'll be heading down a bad path. This is not just one year of meal planning and a few months of training. This year is my chance to educate myself and form healthy habits, learn about health and fitness, knowledge and techniques that I can use for the rest of my life. The stuff I'm learning is all common sense, and it's all stuff I pretty much knew already, having read many diet books and taken a few health classes in high school and university. The real learning here is learning how to apply it. It's all very well to say 'Okay Katharine, you're going to start eating better'. That's pretty general, and pretty useless. How could I possibly apply that sort of broad idea to my everyday life? By breaking down to a pre-programmed meal plan, my diet becomes second nature. The things that I used to subsist on will be occasional treats in the future, not staples of my everyday meals. Cheese will be in my future, but I'm sorry to report, will not be a staple. I'm actually a bit wary of reintroducing it at all for awhile. I want to ensure that it's not a trigger.

Food for me was very much an emotional comfort. Everyone has their stories... divorced parents, turbulent relationships, self-esteem issues.. I'm no different. Food became my solace. When you think about it though, it's kind of counter-productive to use food as that defense, because the more I ate, the more I became self-conscious and ill-prepared to deal with my emotional demons. Exercise and healthy living definitely create a more clear and clean body and mind, much better equipped to deal with life and the issues that may arise.

Another thing I was thinking about, and I'm sure I'm not the only overweight woman who has felt this way at some point, my weight definitely affects my relationship. I'm not just talking about the naughty stuff here ;) I mean just my day-to-day. Being overweight made me so self-conscious, I feel like I'm always being judged. Being with a man that is much more slender and athletic than I am made me feel conspicuous all the time. I felt like people walking down the street are thinking 'Look at her, what's a guy like that doing with her?' He always says affectionate things and tells me that I'm beautiful, but sometimes I didn't really believe it. He would come shopping with me and I would never want to come out of the change room to show him anything, and when I did and he told me it looked great, I was still skeptical. On really bad days, I would start to feel like I didn't deserve anyone's love and that I couldn't expect anyone to want to be with me if I can't even take care of myself. I know it may sound stupid to some, but I still can't shake that feeling sometimes. Not only that, I know that it just makes me project onto my boyfriend and our relationship, and not in good ways. There have been some pointless arguments because I'm not looking at what is right in front of me and, instead, am projecting my own fears onto him. My weight also took away a lot of our time together, I was tired and cranky a lot of the time, and spent 9-10 hours a day sleeping. I can already feel a difference in these respects. I have more energy and only need 8 hours of sleep now. I don't come home from work and just collapse. I want to get out and do stuff together. I want to tell him about cool stuff I'm learning and doing, I want to show him documentaries about health and weight loss, I want him to workout with me. I feel more confident as I slowly see changes in my body and I'm thinking more clearly about the things I want and about our life together. I know I'm not going to change magically overnight, but I'm so glad I started this journey and I'm so appreciative of all the help of my family, friends and my wonderful boyfriend.

Day 25 and Thoughts about Portions

DAY 25. No cheese for 3 ½ weeks now. I’m pretty impressed with myself. Man, when I woke up today I felt that workout from yesterday. My arms and legs were so sore, along with some of my core muscles. It’s a good kind of sore though, makes me proud. I’m not really complaining when I whine about sore muscles, I feel like it’s more like bragging, like ‘Ha, my muscles worked super hard yesterday, what did yours do??’

Last night my boyfriend cooked dinner for both of us. It’s pretty awesome, he knows to check the meal plan chart on the fridge to see what day it is and what I have for that meal. He made veggie stir fry with some grilled tofu (and some rice and chicken for him). It was delicious, just not enough… I finished in like 3 minutes and then started eyeing his plate, lol. I find that I need quite a good plateful of veggies to keep me full. They don’t have a lot of calories, so provided that they’re not fried or coated in dressings, that’s just fine. I usually use a large dinner plate and fill 3/4 of it with mixed veggies and lettuce salad, the other 1/4 is protein. On the higher carb days, I add 1/2 cup of quinoa or brown rice as well. I've been thinking about the portions I used to eat. My dinner plate used to be filled with about 1/2 starchy carbs, 1/4 veggies, and 1/4 protein. And if I'm really being honest, sometimes that 1/4 of veggies was not present, and was replaced with cheese or sauce instead. When I was down in the states, at one of the buffets, I was aghast at the plates that people were dishing for themselves. I can't be totally self-righteous though, because I was like that only a short time ago. I like the visuals, they tend to hammer it home...

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so excited that Biggest Loser is starting next week. I’ve devised a bingo to get active during each episode:

 

·         10 crunches every time Gillian yells at someone
·         10 push-ups every time a contestant falls off an exercise machine
·         10 alternating lunges every time someone cheats at a temptation challenge
·         10 squats every time a contestant cries
·         20 jumping jacks every time they do a shameless product promotion

I’ll come up with more later, this is a good start. If anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to comment!

Day 24 and Thoughts on the Colon (and I'm not talking about grammar)

DAY 24 and feeling the burn! Last night was a TF+ group workout and check-in, and I had another personal training session this morning to make up for last week. Oh man, Sarah took no mercy this morning!  Though I was proud that I was able to do 2 sets of planks for 60 seconds without shaking by the end. I can already feel the muscles in my core aching. It's nice though, it's like their waking up and saying hello... reminding me that they're under all that padding and would like to make a more permanent appearance :)

At the official Monday check-in, the good news was that I was at the same weight at my Saturday check-in before I left. There was some bad news too though, one thing I noticed this week was that my body went back into detox being away from all those hidden salts and preservatives that I unwittingly consumed while on vacation. I had a major headache on Sunday, despite a lack of stress and an abundance of water all day. I also noticed that a little eczema on my wrist returned. It had plagued me for months before I started the cleanse and totally went away about a week into it. It's not too bad though and will definitely clear up in a few days again now that I'm eating totally clean again.

At the Monday TF+ check-in and workout, we meet for about 30 min to do our weigh-in and discuss any issues we had that week. Also, Leanne introduces new topics and ideas for discussion with us too. It's really great. It was pretty funny actually, last's night topic was colonics. No, seriously, I'm not shitting you... (pun intended). The conversation was interesting though. I've done a little online research, but I'm still on the fence of whether to go through with it right now.

It was a good workout, combination of great trainers and great comrades :) I really love our group at TF+, it's so nice to have others who understand what I'm going through. If I can't yet do a certain exercise due to my weight or range of motion, the trainers modify it but still keep it challenging. I never feel judged there, even when the trainer has us doing ridiculously weird looking exercises or has us galloping around the block. When I feel like I'm ready to give up, I feel their support and it gets me through.



Our little TF+ group :)

A awesome little bonus last night... as the 1st place winner I got a case of Muscle Milk light through their sponsorship! Next week we start adding back in dairy slowly so it'll make a great after-workout snack or quick fix to keep at work in case I forget to bring something. And it's chocolate... :)

Leanne and me with my swag! Thanks Muscle Milk!

Day 22 and Thoughts on scare tactics

DAY 22. This morning I got right back into my usual routine and packed my lunch before work. Breakfast was an egg white omelet with veggies, salsa and some baked julienned yams. The yams were really good, they didn't need any oil, just some grated garlic and a sprinkle of dried rosemary. Popped in the oven at 350 til they were crispy. They were a perfect side to the omelet. Yum!

 

Last night my boyfriend and I watched 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead', the documentary about the Australian guy who cured his long time illness and lost about 90 lbs through doing a juice cleanse. The movie was really amazing. I don't think I'll be doing a full juice cleanse anytime soon, but the green smoothies I make daily are along the same lines, and the meal plan that I'm on lends itself to a lot of the same ideas. I think some of the scare tactics are pretty effective, it definitely made me not want to cheat ever. And my boyfriend now wants to try a juice cleanse and start to follow my meal plan more closely with me. It's weird in a way, to see the Americans they interview in the documentary, some in total denial about how they live, and realize that I was not far off of that only a short while ago.

For a long time I had fooled myself into not seeing what I was doing to myself. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see an overweight woman, even as my dress size crept towards 3X. It was the TF+ assessment that really put the fear into me. I had no idea I got so close to 300 lbs. At the last session, Leanne told me that one of the reasons that she chose me as the 1st place winner for the program was not only the application and interview, but also my reaction to the assessment. Wes, the trainer, had just done my weight and body assessment with me and I was in shock as to the number on the scale. She said that my face looked pale and ashen and that I looked like I might throw up as I told her the results of the assessment. I remember that moment too, I felt the blood drain from my face and I felt sick and ashamed. Leanne said that in that moment, she knew I was ready to do what it would take. And I will. I absolutely will.

Anyhow, I digress... so as my boyfriend and I watched the movie, I was touched to hear him say to me (not verbatim, but pretty close): 'I don't really see you as one of those overweight people. You're on the right path, so you're not an overweight person anymore, you're a healthy skinny person in transition. It's like your in your cocoon right now, which is always a lot bigger than the actual butterfly, and you'll emerge as a butterfly at the end of the process.' It was such a sweet metaphor, he always has such a way with words.

 

Imagination is a beautiful thing. And essential for weight loss. Creative uses of vegetables and spices are crucial. And, most importantly, imagination is what gets me through those bowls of oatmeal... :)

Day 21 and Thoughts on Tofu

DAY 21 and back to the grind. I got up early and did my weigh-in for the week. Thankfully I had maintained my weight loss over my vacation. It feels good to be back and on the meal plan again. It was almost a relief in a way. With the meal plan, I don't have to count calories or worry about what to order or agonize about planning my next meal. It's pretty simple, I eat what's on the plan, and while I can play around with lots of veggies and spices, it's fairly simple. No cheese or bacon showing up on salads unannounced.

I had a great workout today at the gym. I always feel so great after working out, I see what people mean when they talk about how exercise is addictive. That feeling is great. It's like elation and exhaustion mixed, with a real sense of accomplishment. I know that it will only get better too, as my body grows stronger. I can't keep up a very quick pace on the treadmill, but I do a fast walk on an incline to get my heart rate up. It'll be cool when can continuously jog or run. 

After the workout I went and stocked up on groceries. I pretty much stick to the peripheries of the store: veggies and fruits, egg whites, fish and tofu, and some bulk grains like quinoa and chia. I'm a huge fan of this delicious marinated slow-roasted tofu from the salad bar at Whole Foods so I thought I would try to make some at home. I generally like tofu, having been vegetarian for the past several years. To me it almost tastes like chicken, but that could just be because I forget what real chicken tastes like. 

My recipe for slow-roasted tofu:

- extra firm tofu, drained and chopped into cubes

- balsamic vinegar

- dijon mustard

- garlic, diced

- black pepper, thyme and oregano

Basically I just marinated the tofu cubes in the other ingredients. I slow-roasted the cubes on a non-stick tray for 1 hour at 350 degrees. Our oven runs a bit hot, so next time I'm going to try a little lower heat for a little less time. They should have a nice even light brown exterior and a chewy texture inside. With a nice salad and balsamic vinaigrette, they were perfect. I think I may try a more Asian-fusion style next time with some Chinese five-spice and some Bragg's seasoning (tastes so much like soya sauce, it's uncanny), and maybe a splash of sesame oil.

I also roasted some almonds. Normally I keep them in the freezer and just eat them raw, but I thought I try roasting some. Super easy, just roast on a single layer on a non-stick baking sheet at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. They smelled sooo good, oh my goodness. This afternoon I made myself a pot of Lady Grey tea and cut up an apple and counted out my 10 almonds. I settled on the couch with my boyfriend to watch the MasterChef episode that we missed this week. Perfection. My boyfriend smelled my little snack and asked if he could try a roasted almond. I must have looked so hurt as I responded with 'You want one of my ten almonds?' that he laughed and got a couple from the tray in the kitchen instead. Very wise. It really was a lovely afternoon.

Day 20 and Thoughts on being home again

DAY 20 and home again. Obviously with the cruise being cancelled, my vacation was not as I planned. However, my boyfriend and I headed to Bellingham, where we spent 3 nights in a 2-star hotel and just relaxed, read books, shopped, saw some movies and enjoyed each others' company.

The first morning, I had some continental breakfast, skipping over the 400 calorie muffins in favour of some plain oatmeal, a banana and some black coffee. I checked out the hotel gym (one of the reasons I picked that shitty hotel over the 10 others on the street), but it was terrible. Google informed me that there was a local YMCA so I headed over to get my workout in. The YMCA gym was actually really great, tons of cardio machines and weights. Using my heart rate monitor as a gauge, I really tried to push myself like the TF trainers usually do. It was a great tool to have. In fact, the next morning I was actually a bit sore.

The one thing that was super hard was trying to find places that I could eat at. My boyfriend was following the 'anything goes' vacation diet plan, so he didn't care where we went, but I had to check out menus ahead to see if it was plausible, a much better plan than going to the restaurant only to leave without ordering. Not only that, once I got to each place, I agonized over what to order and how to modify it so that it wasn't coated in batter, deep fried and piled with cheese. Seriously. It was like the land of fried stuff with cheese. Half the time I had to send things back because they unexpectedly had bacon or cheese. Also, I found that even when I asked for plain grilled salmon or plain steamed veggies, they were super salty or greasy. Gross. My body was not happy with a couple of those meals, even despite my best efforts, and I was really trying hard. It was also the first vacation that I didn't have a single drink, which suited my boyfriend just fine cause he had a built-in designated driver.

Despite the setbacks, I check my weight upon arrival back at my apartment, and I had maintained the current weight loss and not gained. I loved the vacation time, but I also can't wait to get back to my usual meal plan and routine. It was interesting to see how quickly my body responded to me in telling me it was not happy with the deviation from the strict plan, even with all the willpower I had exercised.

Well, back to it tonight! And workout tomorrow at TF. Good to be back.

Two of my favourite quotes from the trip:

[At a gas station]. Me: 'Where's a nice place to get dinner around here?' Gas station lady: 'Well, I guess about the nicest place around here would be the Pizza Hut."

[At Applebee's] Me: 'Could I return this? I just wanted a plain green salad' Waitress: 'I'm so sorry, the kitchen couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want bacon.'