Day 26 and Thoughts about Relationships

DAY 26 and another great workout this morning. I hadn't worked with Eric before but it was great. Focus was on cardio and some arms, chest and back work today. A lot of the exercises were deceptively challenging. The trainers always make it look so easy! Me on the other hand, I was shaking by the end of some of them. I know, I know, I'll get there some day, but man some of the simplest things can kick my ass right now. Like stairs. Damn those stairs, lol.

I find that each trainer at TF is a little different which makes the routine of working out more interesting. In the past, I used to go to the rec centre gym and use the elliptical for 30 minutes, maybe do some weights and stuff too. After a month or so, I would get bored and fall off the wagon. By mixing things up, working with different trainers, and doing group sessions, it keeps me interested and engaged. This journey is just beginning and will be a lifelong commitment, so I better keep interested. What is that saying? 'Adapt or die'? Well, that sort of applies here. Either I change my ways or I'll be heading down a bad path. This is not just one year of meal planning and a few months of training. This year is my chance to educate myself and form healthy habits, learn about health and fitness, knowledge and techniques that I can use for the rest of my life. The stuff I'm learning is all common sense, and it's all stuff I pretty much knew already, having read many diet books and taken a few health classes in high school and university. The real learning here is learning how to apply it. It's all very well to say 'Okay Katharine, you're going to start eating better'. That's pretty general, and pretty useless. How could I possibly apply that sort of broad idea to my everyday life? By breaking down to a pre-programmed meal plan, my diet becomes second nature. The things that I used to subsist on will be occasional treats in the future, not staples of my everyday meals. Cheese will be in my future, but I'm sorry to report, will not be a staple. I'm actually a bit wary of reintroducing it at all for awhile. I want to ensure that it's not a trigger.

Food for me was very much an emotional comfort. Everyone has their stories... divorced parents, turbulent relationships, self-esteem issues.. I'm no different. Food became my solace. When you think about it though, it's kind of counter-productive to use food as that defense, because the more I ate, the more I became self-conscious and ill-prepared to deal with my emotional demons. Exercise and healthy living definitely create a more clear and clean body and mind, much better equipped to deal with life and the issues that may arise.

Another thing I was thinking about, and I'm sure I'm not the only overweight woman who has felt this way at some point, my weight definitely affects my relationship. I'm not just talking about the naughty stuff here ;) I mean just my day-to-day. Being overweight made me so self-conscious, I feel like I'm always being judged. Being with a man that is much more slender and athletic than I am made me feel conspicuous all the time. I felt like people walking down the street are thinking 'Look at her, what's a guy like that doing with her?' He always says affectionate things and tells me that I'm beautiful, but sometimes I didn't really believe it. He would come shopping with me and I would never want to come out of the change room to show him anything, and when I did and he told me it looked great, I was still skeptical. On really bad days, I would start to feel like I didn't deserve anyone's love and that I couldn't expect anyone to want to be with me if I can't even take care of myself. I know it may sound stupid to some, but I still can't shake that feeling sometimes. Not only that, I know that it just makes me project onto my boyfriend and our relationship, and not in good ways. There have been some pointless arguments because I'm not looking at what is right in front of me and, instead, am projecting my own fears onto him. My weight also took away a lot of our time together, I was tired and cranky a lot of the time, and spent 9-10 hours a day sleeping. I can already feel a difference in these respects. I have more energy and only need 8 hours of sleep now. I don't come home from work and just collapse. I want to get out and do stuff together. I want to tell him about cool stuff I'm learning and doing, I want to show him documentaries about health and weight loss, I want him to workout with me. I feel more confident as I slowly see changes in my body and I'm thinking more clearly about the things I want and about our life together. I know I'm not going to change magically overnight, but I'm so glad I started this journey and I'm so appreciative of all the help of my family, friends and my wonderful boyfriend.